Article Tags
Satire
2012-07-19
Search Engine Executives Mayer and Schmidt Engage In Nasty Night Club Battle
Benjamin Goldman
Just two days into being the new CEO of Yahoo, Marissa Mayer got her first bad press after staging a nasty night club fight with Google Executive Chairman of the Board Eric Schmidt. Publicists from both sides are saying the altercation started when Mayer and Schmidt went to the same San Francisco night club and Schmidt sent Mayer a message that said "I'm [expletive] your search engine". Being one of the first employees of Google, Mayer took the comment to heart and the two executives' entourages engaged in a violent battle, throwing bottles and whatever else they could get their hands on.
"It was crazy," said David Parker, a long time member of Schmidt's entourage, "He just sent a message, I mean I think he was just playin', and all of a sudden we fightin' for our lives." In fact, the violence was so bad that the night club where the altercation took place, whose owners wish to remain anonymous, may have to shut down for weeks, which could cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Eric Schmidt testifying at the Ask Jeeves murder trial
The night club is also facing a law suit from Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg, who was at the night club by coincidence when the altercation occurred. He sustained lacerations in his right hand as a result of a broken bottle being thrown and is now questionable for competing in this summer's much anticipated Facebook Hacker Cup as his typing speed will be significantly hindered. He has not filed any charges against Mayer or Schmidt as he believes the night club should have not let both of them in. "The promoters read the news and know about the heat between Marissa and Eric. They should have known better," said Zuckerberg in a recent interview.
Rumors are now surfacing that Zuckerberg has been offered $500 thousand to officiate a boxing match between Mayer and Schmidt, where the winner will receive $10 million. Both parties have already agreed to participate in the fight, which should take place within the month. Many believe the conflict between Mayer and Schmidt signals a resurgence of search engine executive violence that has led to hundreds of violent crimes and most notably the death of Ask.com's Jeeves in 2006.